S2:EP16 What Happens When You Ignore Yourself Too Long?

At some point, your mind, body, and spirit stop whispering.

They start screaming.

The anxiety.
 The burnout.
 The resentment.
 The exhaustion.
 The feeling that you've somehow lost yourself.

None of it happens overnight.

It happens when you've spent years ignoring your own needs while showing up for everyone else.

In this episode of The Quiet As Kept Podcast, Shawnti Refuge explores the consequences of self-abandonment, why so many people lose themselves while trying to save everyone else, and how to begin reconnecting with the version of yourself you've neglected for far too long.

If you've ever looked in the mirror and wondered, "What happened to me?" this episode is for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome back to the Quiet is Kept Podcast. I'm your host, Shanti B. And today we're ending this month's series with a conversation that might make some people uncomfortable. Not because it's controversial, but it's true. Today's episode is called What Happens When You Ignore Yourself Too Long? And baby, some of y'all are gonna feel personally personally attacked because this episode is not about toxic people. It ain't about your ex. It's not about your family, it's not about your uh employer, it's about you. It's about what happens when you continuously abandon yourself while trying to keep everybody else comfortable. Let's talk about it. Okay, here is the uncomfortable truth. Most people don't lose themselves overnight, they lose themselves one compromise at a time, one ignored feeling at a time, one swallowed emotion at a time, one people pleasing decision at a time, one I'm okay when they weren't okay at all, until one day they wake up and don't recognize themselves anymore. I remember there was a season in my life when I was showing up for everybody, and when I say everybody, I'm talking about clients, friends, family, relationships, community, every damn body, and from the outside, I looked successful, I looked strong, I looked productive, I looked like I had it all together. But baby, let me tell you, behind closed doors, your girl was exhausted. I was disconnected, I was numb, and to be honest, I didn't even know who I was anymore. And it wasn't because I was broken, it was because I had to spend so much time being what everybody else needed that I stopped asking myself what I needed, I stopped checking in with myself, I stopped listening to myself, and I definitely had stopped choosing myself. And I'm here to tell you that eventually that catches up with you. So I'm going to go through how self-abandonment happens because most people think self-abandonment looks dramatic, and it actually doesn't. What self-abandonment looks like, it looks like saying yes when you want to say no, uh, ignoring your exhaustion, minimizing your feelings, staying in situations that hurt you, accepting less than what you deserve, talking yourself out of your own needs, pretending things don't bother you, choosing everybody else's comfort over your own truth. And the scary part is you could be doing this for years and not even realizing it. Now you know I always have to throw in my research because I do research. I don't talk out the side of my neck. Research has consistently shown that chronic stress, emotional suppression, and people-pleasing behaviors are associated with increased rates of anxiety, depression, burnout, and physical health concerns. When emotions are ignored rather than processed, they don't disappear, they accumulate. Many mental health professionals refer to emotional suppression as carrying emotional debt. Eventually, the bill comes due. Your body's gonna start sending signals, your mind's gonna start sending signals, your relationships start reflecting it, and because what wasn't addressed eventually gets expressed. Do y'all hear me? Now, some of us are angry, but not because of what people did, it's because of what we allowed. I know that hurt, but you know, I gotta be honest with y'all. Sometimes the resentment isn't just toward other people, sometimes we're resentful because we betrayed ourselves, we ignored our intuition, we ignored the red flags, hell, we ignored our own needs, we ignored our boundaries, and we knew better, but we kept going anyway, and that realization hurts. But that is also where healing begins. Because once you see it, you can change it if you choose to. So let me spill my tea to y'all. One of the biggest lessons I've learned in my healing journey is nobody can abandon me the way that I abandoned myself, and that realization hit me so hard because it forced me to stop making everybody else a villain, it forced me to look at the ways I participated in my own suffering, and it wasn't because I deserved it, it wasn't because it was my fault, it was because I kept choosing everyone else while leaving myself behind. Because if I help create the pattern, I can also break the pattern. Did you hear that? So let me tell you what the cost is of ignoring yourself. This is what happens when you keep doing it, you become emotionally exhausted, you lose your confidence, you lose joy, you become resentful, you feel disconnected, you lose clarity, and you stop trusting yourself. You become reactive instead of intentional. You wake up one day feeling like a stranger in your own damn life, and that's the part nobody talks about. The goal isn't just survival, the goal is to actually enjoy your life because we were not put on this earth to just survive. We were put here to enjoy our life, to thrive and to be successful, whatever that looks like to your life, not to everybody else's. So, the question I want to ask you that's gonna change everything for you. Who are you when nobody needs anything from you? I want you to sit with that. Who are you when nobody needs anything from you? Who are you when you're not fixing, helping, rescuing, performing, proving, producing? Who are you? Because if your entire identity is built around what you do for other people, eventually you're gonna feel empty. You were born to be more than useful. All right, get your journals and your pens, you know what time it is. Let's do the work. Number one, when was the last time I truly checked in with myself? Number two, where in my life am I abandoning abandoning myself right now? Number three, what needs have I been ignoring? Number four, who have I become while trying to make everyone else comfortable? And number five, what version of myself am I ready to reconnect with? Don't rush through these journal prompts, take your time and think about them. And don't write what you think somebody wants to see because the only person seeing it is you. So be honest, be raw, be vulnerable, and answer the prompt. So this week, I want you to do three things. Number one, I want you to check in with yourself daily, not your responsibilities, not your to-do list. I want you to check in with you. Number two, I want you to practice honoring one need immediately. I said a need, whatever that need is, honor it. Honor it without guilt, without justification, and without explanation. And number three, ask yourself before every major decision. I want you to ask yourself this am I choosing this because I want it or because I'm afraid of disappointing someone? That question by itself will change your life. So here is some more truth for you. The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life. If you consistently abandon yourself, you're gonna teach other people to do the same thing. If you consistently ignore yourself and your needs and your wants, you're gonna attract situations that reinforce that pattern. Healing is not about becoming somebody new, healing is about coming home to yourself. So if you have spent years ignoring yourself, I want you to hear this. It's not too late. It's never too late. I don't care if you are 17 or 99, it is never too late. You have not missed your chance, you have not ruined your life, you have not gone too far. You can start reconnecting with yourself today. All it takes is one choice, one boundary, one journal entry, one act of self-respect at a time. And maybe that's what this entire month has really been about. Not just healing, but remembering yourself. So I want to thank you for spending this month with me. And thank you for trusting me with these conversations. And until next time, I want you to keep writing, keep healing, and remember that some things are quiet as kept, but they don't have to stay that way. So if this episode spoke to you, I want you to take a screenshot and share it on social media. Tag me. I'm at Shanti Refuge Journals on Instagram, I'm uh Shanti Boswell on uh Facebook, I'm at Shanti Journal Bay on TikTok, or you can go to my YouTube and tag me. And I want you to tell me what's one way you've been ignoring yourself lately. And if you're ready to reconnect with yourself on a deeper level, I invite you to go to my website, shantierefuge.com or shantierefuge journals.com, and explore my guided journals, my coaching programs, my support groups, and mental wellness resources. Your healing deserves attention and is up to you to give it that attention it needs. Until next time, y'all.