S2:EP15 Peace Feels Foreign When Chaos Feels Familiar

Have you ever prayed for peace... and then felt uncomfortable when you finally got it?

Have you ever found yourself questioning healthy relationships, overthinking good situations, or creating problems where there weren't any?

You might not be addicted to drama.

You might be addicted to familiarity.

In this episode of The Quiet As Kept Podcast, Shawnti Refuge explores why peace can feel unsettling when you've spent years surviving chaos. We'll discuss trauma, nervous system conditioning, self-sabotage, hypervigilance, and the uncomfortable truth that healing often feels boring before it feels beautiful.

If you've ever wondered why calm makes you nervous, this conversation is for you.

Transcript

0:01

Welcome back to the Quietest Kept Podcast. I am your host, Shanti, and today we're going to step on some toes. I think I step on some toes every episode, but I think I'm really going to be tap dancing today, including my own, because today's conversation forced me to look at myself in ways that I wasn't ready to. We're talking about why peace feels foreign when chaos feels familiar. And this episode is very personal because some of us keep saying we want peace, but the moment peace shows up, we don't trust it. We question it, we sabotage it, we run from it, we create problems where there aren't any. So here's the truth, y'all. I had to adjust my seat for this one. Everybody is not addicted to toxic people. Everybody's not. Some people are addicted to familiar feelings. I'm gonna say it again. Everybody is not addicted to toxic people, some are just addicted to familiar feelings. Some people aren't chasing dysfunction, they're chasing familiarity because your nervous system doesn't care what's healthy, it cares about what's familiar. And if chaos has been your normal for the last shit, years, lifetime, then when you finally get a little taste of peace, it could feel suspicious. And when I say that, I mean, you know, you've been in chaos all your life. You grew up in a chaotic household, you grew up around chaotic people, you got into a relationship where it was chaotic. When I say chaotic, I mean, you know, always yelling, fussing, screaming, arguing, yelling, fighting, whatever the case is. And you get out of that and it gets quiet, your nervous system is like, okay, something's wrong. It's too quiet. I know personally speaking for myself, I used to, whenever, whenever things were get too quiet, I would say, okay, something's wrong. It's too quiet. And to me, that was an indicator that something bad was about to happen. Not knowing that I was calling in bad things to happen. You get what I'm saying? So, you know, now that I have gotten accustomed to peace now, I'm finally out of chaos. Thank you, Lord. And now I am in peace. The first sign of chaos, I'm out of there. I don't care who you are, what it is, what happened, blah, blah, blah. Because I value my peace now. So, well, let me let me go back now. For years, I used to think that I had bad luck with relationships. And when I say relationships, I'm talking friendships, work environments, just relationships, romantic relationships, and you know, life in general, because there was always something, always something going on, always a crisis, always some kind of tension, always some kind of drama, always a fire to put out, always somebody needing something, always some emotional emergency demanding my attention. And then one day I found myself in a season where nothing was wrong. Nothing. No drama, no crisis, no chaos, no conflict. And instead of enjoying it, I was uncomfortable as hell because I kept waiting for something bad to happen. I was scanning for danger, looking for problems, even to the resort of making stuff up in my head, because you know our thoughts lot us, questioning people's intentions or you know, preparing myself for a betrayal that hadn't happened yet. And that's when it hit me. I did not know how to live without chaos. Now, research on trauma and chronic stress shows that prolonged exposure to chaos can condition the nervous system to remain on high alert. And this is often called hypervigilance. Let me say that again and say it right. This is often called hyper-vigilance. Your brain becomes trained to anticipate danger. That's what I was just talking about. Even when danger is not present, your body learns to stay ready, stay alert, stay guarded, stay prepared. And what the problem with that is when you begin your healing, those survival responses don't go away automatically. You can be physically safe and still feel emotionally unsafe. Those are two different things. You can be at peace and still feel anxious. That's because your nervous system and your mind haven't caught up to each other yet, and you can be loved and still expect abandonment. So let's talk about self-sabotage. This is where it's getting gonna get uncomfortable because sometimes we self-sabotage peace because peace requires us to confront ourselves. You heard me? Chaos gives us something to focus on. Peace takes away those distractions, and when everything settles down, you finally hear your own thoughts, you finally feel your own emotions, you finally have to deal with yourself, and that right there can be terrifying. I'm speaking from experience here, because now there are no emergencies to hide behind, no drama to distract you, no crisis to manage. It's just you. And some of us have spent our entire lives avoiding ourselves, whether we knew it or not. You know, one of the hardest things I had to admit is that I spent years confusing anxiety with love. If I wasn't worried, I thought I didn't care. If I wasn't fixing something, I thought I wasn't contributing or I wasn't useful, or if I wasn't struggling, I would feel guilty. And those type of feelings are very dangerous, those types of thoughts are very dangerous because eventually you start believing peace means something is missing. You start believing healthy relationships are boring, and you start believing calm means danger is coming, and you start believing that happiness don't last long, and before you know it, you're sabotaging everything that you pray for. So let me let me make go even deeper with y'all. Some people don't know who they are without being needed. Yeah, I said it. I know because I've been there when your identity is built around rescuing people, peace becomes threatening. Because if nobody needs saving, who the hell are you? If nobody's falling apart, who are you? If there are no emergencies, who are you? Some of us have attached our value to our suffering, and healing requires us to untangle that mess. So let me tell you what peace actually feels like. Here is something that nobody told me. Peace is gonna feel boring at first. It is, it's gonna be boring because nobody puts that on the motivational quotes. Nobody says, you know, peace is boring, healing can feel boring, stable relationships can feel boring, healthy communications can feel boring, predictability can feel boring, not because something's wrong, it's because your nervous system has been conditioned to expect chaos. So peace is not boring, it's unfamiliar, and there is a difference between the two. All right, y'all. Grab your journal and let's do some of the uncomfortable work. Prompt number one, what chaos have I normalized in my life? Number two, what does peace actually look like for me? And I'm not talking about Instagram peace, I'm talking about real peace. Number three, do I trust peace? Why or why not? And be honest when you're answering these prompts. This isn't for me or anybody else, this is for you. Number four, what relationships, habits, or environments keep me connected to chaos? Number five, who would I be if I stopped surviving and start living? And don't rush through these prompts, don't rush to answer. Just answer them and be honest. And if you don't know, say that and then figure it out. So this week I want you to notice three things. First thing, notice when you're creating problems before they exist. Second thing, notice notice situations where you're waiting for something bad to happen. Self-awareness, y'all. Number three, when something good happens, stop talking yourself out of it. You deserve some happiness in your life, you deserve good things. So don't talk yourself out of anything good that happens to you this week. I don't care how small or how big it is. Let it be good. Just let it be good. Without suspicion, without overthinking, without preparing for disaster. Let it be good. Now, let me tell you something else y'all don't want to hear. Healing is not always dramatic. Sometimes healing looks like consistency, sometimes it looks like regular ordinary days, sometimes it looks like peace. And if you've lived through enough chaos, peace can feel uncomfortable. Hell, it will feel uncomfortable in the beginning. But uncomfortable does not mean it's wrong, it just means it's new. This is something new that your mind, body, and spirit are experiencing. Let it happen, honey. You deserve it, you deserve peace in your life. You've been in chaos for too long. Now, if peace feels foreign to you right now, I want you to know something. You are not broken, you are adapting. Your nervous system has learned how to survive. Now it's learning to live. And those skill sets are very different. So give yourself some grace. The same grace you would give anybody else, give it to yourself. Healing is not about becoming someone new, it's about teaching yourself the safe that safety is possible because it is. Rest is possible, peace is possible, and most importantly, you deserve it because you do. Now, thank you for spending this time with me today. And if this episode hit a nerve, good. That's probably because there was something here you needed to hear. And if today's episode made you uncomfortable, great. That's where the healing usually starts. So, you know, take a screenshot of this episode, share it on social media, tag me and tell me what part of peace feels hardest for you right now. And if you're ready to stop surviving and start healing, check out my guided journals, my coaching programs, my support groups, and my other mental health resources. Just go to my website, shantierefuge.com. Until next time, y'all. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.