S2:E14 The Truth About Emotional Exhaustion

You slept.

You took a day off.

You tried to rest.

So why are you still tired?

Because not all exhaustion is physical.

Sometimes your body isn't asking for sleep. It's asking for relief.

In this episode of The Quiet As Kept Podcast, Shawnti Refuge explores emotional exhaustion—the kind of tired that doesn't go away after a nap. We'll discuss the signs people miss, what research says about chronic emotional stress, how emotional exhaustion affects your relationships and self-worth, and why so many high-functioning people are secretly running on empty.

If you've ever felt like you're surviving instead of living, this conversation is for you.

Transcript

0:02

Welcome back to the Quiet is Kept Podcast. I am your host, Shanti. This is a space where we tell the truth about things people don't always talk about openly. And today we're talking about something I believe is affecting more people than we realize. Emotional exhaustion. I'm not talking about being tired or sleepy. Not that I need a vacation, but emotionally exhausted. The kind of tire that follows you everywhere. The kind of tire that sleep doesn't fix. The kind that comes from caring too much emotionally for too damn long. Let's talk about it. What exactly is emotional exhaustion? Emotional exhaustion is a state of feeling emotionally drained, depleted, and overwhelmed due to prolonged stress. It's considered one of the major components of burnout. When you're emotionally exhausted, your emotional tank is empty. You have less patience, less energy, less motivation, less capacity, and things that normally wouldn't bother you suddenly feel overwhelming to you. Like a simple text message feels like too much. A phone call feels exhausting. A small inconvenience feels like a major crisis. And not because you're being dramatic, it's because you're depleted. Research shows chronic emotional stress can impact concentration, memory, mood, sleep, the quality of sleep you're getting, physical health, immune function, and overall well-being. Because your mind and body are connected. When one suffers, the other eventually follows. So I remember for me a season of my life when I kept telling myself I was just tired. And that's what I called it, tired. But if I'm being honest, I wasn't tired, I was emotionally exhausted. Back then I didn't have a name for it. So you know, we just say tired. I had spent years being strong, years caring responsibility, years showing up for everybody else, years pretending I was okay, and years swallowing my feelings because I thought that was maturity. Years surviving, and eventually my body started waving the white flag, and the white flag to me was I couldn't focus, I wasn't excited about things anymore, I felt disconnected. I was functioning, but I was not living. And the scary part is that nobody knew. Hell, I didn't know at first because I was still showing up, and a lot of emotionally exhausted people look perfectly fine from the outside. But let me tell you about this trap. One of the biggest misconceptions about emotional exhaustion is that it only affects people who fall apart. That's a lie from the pizza hell. Some of the most emotionally exhausted people are still getting things done, they're still getting up, going to work, running businesses, taking care of families, showing up for events, posting online, helping others. They're productive, but they're empty. And because they're functioning, nobody notices. Sometimes not even them. You heard my story, like I said before, I wasn't even aware. So they think I'm still getting things done. I'm okay, it's no big deal. But until one day they realize they've been surviving on fumes. You may be emotionally exhausted if you feel numb more often than happy. You notice that your patience has grown a little shorter, you're more easily to cry, or you can't cry at all. Like you have that feeling you want to cry, but you can't. You constantly feel overwhelmed. You don't enjoy things the way you used to. You avoid people, you have a hard time making decisions, even simple ones like what's for dinner, or what do I want to drink? You feel disconnected from yourself. You feel like you're constantly running but never catching up. You fantasize about disappearing for a week just so nobody needs anything from you. I remember for me, I fantasize for disappearing for longer than a week. And before anybody starts feeling guilty, you're not a bad person. If any of these resonated with you, it just means you're tired. So let me tell you why that emotional exhaustion happens. First of all, it does not happen overnight, it's usually the result of accumulated stress, years of it, hell, probably centuries. Sometimes it comes from being a caregiver, it sometimes it can come from toxic relationships, sometimes it can come from financial stress, trauma, grief, work, sometimes constantly putting everybody else's needs ahead of your own. And sometimes it's all of the above. I know one thing I've noticed is that emotionally exhausted people often have one thing in common. They've spent years being who everybody else needed them to be, and very little time being who they needed themselves to be. Did you catch that? You know, one thing my healing journey forced me to confront was how often I abandoned myself. And not because I didn't love myself, it was because I was used to choosing everybody first. I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I thought being selfless made me a good person. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with helping people, but there is a difference between helping people and disappearing while helping people. And for me, I disappeared. And when I say that, I mean my needs disappeared, my boundaries disappeared, and my voice disappeared. And eventually my joy disappeared right behind it, too. I became so focused on surviving that I forgot how to actually live. And maybe you've been there too. Maybe you've gotten so good at carrying everybody else that you've forgotten how to carry yourself. Now, studies have shown that prolonged emotional stress increases cortisol levels in the body. So when cortisol remains elevated for long periods, that can contribute to you having sleep issues, your anxiety, depression, your memory issues, high blood pressure, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, mood instability. And this is why emotional exhaustion isn't just in your head, your body experiences it too. The body keeps the score, and eventually it asks for attention. So my question is will we listen before it starts screaming? So here is the journaling segment. So go ahead and grab your journal, you know what time it is, and be honest with yourself when you're answering these. Number one, what am I emotionally exhausted from? Name it, don't water it down, don't protect it, just tell the truth. What am I emotionally exhausted from? Number two, what emotions have I been carrying that I haven't processed? Where in my life am I giving more than I'm receiving? That's prompt number three. Where in my life am I giving more than I'm receiving? Number four, what parts of myself have I neglected while taking care of everyone else? Number five, if my exhaustion could speak, what would it say? Now this week I want you to try something different. Number one, stop asking yourself what you need to get done. Ask yourself what you need. Period. Number two, create one hour this week where nobody gets access to you. No work, no fixing, no captain save them, just you. So here's the hard part that people never want to hear, but I'm gonna say it because I wouldn't be me if I didn't. You cannot heal while continuously participating in what's hurting you, you cannot pour from an empty cup, you cannot heal while ignoring your own needs, and you damn sure can't recover from emotional exhaustion by simply pushing harder. The answer is never going to be always doing more. Sometimes the answer is finally doing less. Now, if you've been emotionally exhausted, I want you to hear me clearly. You are not lazy, you are not weak, you are not failing, you are just carrying things that were never meant to be carried indefinitely. And maybe your healing starts with acknowledging that. Maybe your healing starts with admitting you're tired. Maybe your healing starts with giving yourself permission to rest without earning it. Because rest is not a reward. Nobody gets an award for the most hardworking person ever. Your prize is rest. No, rest is a requirement. I want to thank you for spending this time with me today. And if this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who's been caring too much for too long. And if today's episode spoke to you, take a screenshot of it and share it on social media. Give me a tag and tell me which journal prompt hit you the hardest. I love it when y'all talk back to me. And if you're ready to stop surviving and start healing, then check out my guided journals, coaching programs, support groups, and mental wellness resources. You could go to my website, shantirefuge.com. You don't have to do this alone. Until next time, y'all.