S2:EP13-The Mental Load Nobody Sees

Everyone can see when you're physically tired.

What they don't see is the mental load you're carrying every single day.

The appointments. The deadlines. The worries. The emotional labor. The constant responsibility of being the one everyone depends on.

In this episode of The Quiet As Kept Podcast, Shawnti Refuge explores the invisible weight so many people carry while still showing up, smiling, and functioning. We'll discuss what the mental load really is, how it impacts mental health, why so many women find themselves emotionally exhausted, and what healing looks like when you've spent years carrying everybody else's burdens.

You'll also receive guided journaling prompts to help you identify what's weighing on you and practical steps to begin putting some of that weight down.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hey y'all, welcome back to another episode of the Quiet as Kept Podcast. I am your host, Shanti Refuge. This is a space where we can talk about the things people are thinking but not saying, and the things we've been carrying quietly, the stories we've been told to keep to ourselves, and most importantly, how we begin healing from them. So today we're talking about something I think almost everybody listening can relate to: the mental load that nobody sees. Not the things you're physically doing, but the things you're mentally carrying, the stuff that keeps running through your mind while you're trying to work, sleep, eat, heal, love, and survive. So let's get into it. What is mental load? Mental load refers to the invisible work of remembering, planning, anticipating, organizing, and emotionally managing life's responsibilities because the Lord knows we all have life responsibilities, but it's not necessarily the task itself, it's remembering the task, it's worrying about the task, it's making sure the task gets done, right? And it's remembering everybody else, reminding, I'm sorry, everybody else about the task, and then making a backup plan if the task doesn't happen. Don't tell me I'm the only one who does this because y'all lying. Mental load is why you can sit down all day and still be exhausted. Your body may not be moving, but your brain never stops. No matter what you're doing, how you're trying to sit down, be quiet, lay down, go to sleep, your mind keeps going. So research shows that chronic mental overload can increase anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, irritability, and emotional exhaustion. Our brains were not designed to be in crisis mode all the damn time. Yet, so many people are. So I thought carrying everything was what strong people did. I thought if I wasn't exhausted, then maybe I wasn't working hard enough. Or I became the person everybody called, or the person everybody leaned on, the person everybody expected to have the answers. And while people were praising me for being strong, I was silently drowning. I was carrying my business, my relationships, my responsibilities, my healing, my goals, everybody else's emotions. And the craziest part, you know, most people had absolutely no idea because I was still functioning. I was still showing up, I was still smiling, I was still posting, and you know, I was still helping other people, but what they didn't see was the mental checklist running 24 hours a day nonstop. What they didn't see was me lying awake at night trying to solve problems that it hadn't even happened yet. And what they didn't see was how tired I was, and maybe you've been there too. Maybe you've become so good at functioning that nobody notices that you're struggling. Maybe you've become so good at surviving that people assume you're okay, and maybe you're carrying a load, nobody exists, nobody knows exists. So, yeah, I'm with you. So let's talk about the strong friend syndrome because that is a strong syndrome, you know, being a strong friend, the one who always has it together, the one who gives advice, the one who checks on everybody, the one who remembers birthdays, the one who helps everybody else through their crises. The strong friend often receives support the least. Why? Why is that? I'm gonna tell you why. Because people assume they're fine. People see competence and mistake it for capacity. Those are not the same thing. Just because somebody can carry it doesn't mean they should have to carry it alone. I'm gonna say that again. Just because somebody can carry it doesn't mean they should have to carry it along. People see competence and they mistake it for capacity. And some of us have been carrying things so long that we've forgotten what it feels like to put it down. So let me give you the signs that you've been carrying too much. And we're gonna see if any of these sound familiar. You constantly feel tired no matter how much sleep you get, you struggle to focus, you feel overwhelmed by simple decisions, you become irritated more easily. You feel guilty when it's actually time to rest. You have trouble relaxing, you find yourself mentally preparing for worst-case scenarios all the damn time. You struggle to be present because your mind is always somewhere else. You feel responsible for everybody else's emotions. You don't remember the last time you truly felt at peace. And if you're nodding your head right now, then keep listening because this episode is for you. The cost of carrying too much. The mental load doesn't just stay in your head, baby. Eventually, your body starts keeping the score. Research has linked chronic stress to increased risk of anxiety, depression, cardiovascular issues, digestive problems, weakened immunity, and sleep disturbances. Your body was not designed to operate in survival mode forever. Eventually, it starts sending warning signs. The question becomes: are we listening or are we calling burnout a personality trait? Are we calling exhaustion ambition? Are we calling anxiety responsibility? Are we calling self-neglect strength? Hmm. So one of the hardest lessons that I had to learn in my own healing journey is that being needed is not the same thing as being loved. I will say that again. Being needed is not the same thing as being loved. For a long time, I attached my worth to what I could do for people. If I was helping, I felt valuable. If I was fixing things, I felt useful. If I was carrying everybody else's problems, I felt important. But eventually I realized something. The same people who love my availability weren't always available when I needed support, couldn't be found. And I and that realization forced me to ask myself, who am I when I'm not rescuing everybody else? Who am I when I stop carrying what doesn't belong to me? Who am I when I finally choose myself? All right, it's time for the guided journal and segment. Y'all know what it is. Get your journal, get your pen, and let's do some work. Prompt number one. What am I carrying right now that nobody knows I'm carrying? And I want you to write your answer without censoring yourself. Lay it all down on the page. What am I carrying right now that nobody knows I'm carrying? Number two, which responsibilities belong to me and which responsibilities have I taken on for other people? That's a powerful one, ain't it? I know. Prompt number three, when did I learn that being strong meant carrying everything alone? Number four, what would happen if I allowed myself to ask for help? What would happen? And number five, what is one thing I can put down this week? I didn't say forever, just this week. What can you release? So this week, I want you to try three things. Number one, make a brain dump list. A brain dump list is where you just take a blank piece of paper and write down every single thing that's taking up mental space. Don't censor it, write down everything. Get it out of your head. Number two, ask yourself what truly requires your attention right now. Right now. I'm not talking about next month, not next year. Right now. What truly requires your attention? And then number three, give yourself permission to disappoint expectations that are hurting your mental health. Give yourself permission to disappoint expectations that are hurting your mental health. Because your mental health is more important than anybody's expectations, even your own. You do not have to be everything to everybody. The truth is, some of us aren't tired because we're weak. We are tired because we've been carrying too much for too long. And just because you've carried it before doesn't mean you're required to keep carrying it down. You could have carried it all, carried it all before listening to this episode. And after this episode, you decided, all right, I'm done. Then there you have it. Healing sometimes starts with putting something down. One responsibility, one expectation, hell, one burden, one obligation, just one at a time. Thank you for spending this time with me today. And if this episode resonated with you, I invite you to share it with someone who has been carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. And if you're ready to go deeper into your healing journey, go to my website, shantirefuge.com, to explore my guided journals, my coaching programs, support groups, and mental wellness resources. Until next time, keep writing, keep healing, and remember that some things are quiet as kept, but they don't have to stay that way. That's up to you. If today's episode spoke to you, take a screenshot, share it on social media, tag me. I'd love to hear what part of this conversation resonated with you the most. And if you're caring more than you can manage alone, join me in one of my sharewell groups. Explore my guided journals or apply for coaching. You don't have to carry everything by yourself anymore. Until next time, y'all.